Dear Younger Self

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Dear Younger Self,

For, what feels like, a very long time now, I was ashamed of you. I was embarrassed by you. I hated you. You were quiet and shy. You never stood up for yourself. You were everything I never wanted to be.

For, what feels like, a very long time now, I saw myself as two separate beings.

“That’s not me.
That’s someone else.
That’s not who I really am,”
were the lies I told myself and others.

For, what feels like, a very long time now, I ran from you, in hopes that we would never run into each other again. I ran far too. I ran for 16 hours, never wanting to look back, too afraid that you might follow.

For, what feels like, a very long time now, I blamed you,
me,
we,
us,
for every misfortune,
for every lie,
every deception,
every heartache,
all those days and nights spent crying,
and feeling sorry for yourself,
our self.

For, what feels like, a very long time now,
I didn’t want to acknowledge your existence.
Until I was forced to.
Until running was no longer an option
and you,
you caught up with me.

I had nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be embarrassed by. Nothing to hate. You were quiet because you were told no one cared what you had to say. You were shy because you were scared. You never stood up for yourself because you were told that your thoughts and opinions didn’t matter. You were everything I never wanted to be, but I everything I needed to be.

I saw myself as two, only to realize that I was one. I am one person.
“That is me.
That’s not someone else.
That is who I was, but that is not who I have to continue to be”
are what I realize now.

I stopped running from you and I started running towards you until there was collision. I stopped being afraid of you and instead greeted you like an old familiar friend.

I no longer blame you,
me,
we,
us,
for every misfortune,
for every lie,
every deception.
every heartache,
all those days and nights spent crying,
and feeling sorry for yourself,
our self,

because none of it was all your fault,
and all of it was necessary.

Sincerely,
Alexis Renae Griggs

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